Things To Do on a Blind
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak
knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your
high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If
a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your
mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What
took you so long in the bathroom?!"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing the
subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where
you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the
wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato,
wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never
got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one
back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
Order beef tongue. Make crude comparisons or comments.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell
your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one
bite, pretend like the food is disgusting, belch and say "Boy, did
you get ripped off!"
Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and
arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to
your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar
manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has
poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone
hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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